Here's what I should do:
I should be eating every two hours, be happy being a stay at home mama with time with my little, I should be happy for all the gifts I have and stop worrying so much about the future. I should be growing more food and driving less. I should be connecting with my friends and able to go out at night more easily. I should be hiking and out in the rain because the sun's shining above the clouds.
But what if all the should's reverberate in me in a resounding NO and I realize I've picked up all these ideas from everyone else and their values and their ideals and their SHOULD'S?
What if I realize that when I do my SHOULD list I feel like crap inside myself and I wind up anxious at night and triggered?
What if I need this time alone to be OK and to be in my own flow? What if being inside even on this Saturday is OK for me even when it hasn't been ever before?
What if the should's I've been basing my life on are lies for me?
What if I step into what I know to be true right now............
I know that my nerves are extra sensitive and it takes extra sensitive care to tend them. I know that the two hours our beloved babysitter comes on Thursday afternoons is reverence and space, is recharge and fuel. I know that I'm in transition and that I've done a lot and I'll do more to meet my values and it's OK to not meet every one right this moment.
I know that walking the length of the beach with my earbuds in is healing.
I know that evening practice helps me sleep better and that chai picks me up on the days I'm lagging both physically and emotionally.
I know what I've left and I know what I'm moving toward.
I know that I have to listen to ME, ME, ME to figure out my unique code and way of being on any given day even though I'll want to consult my sister-in-law, naturopath, coach, friends and maybe even the internet.
I know that I work best making decisions later so I know how I'm feeling THEN and can act accordingly.
Living my life according to the should's was clench, tighten, squeeze, restrict, mold, overachieve, overwork, outside myself.
Claiming my needs and my voice no matter who I'm with or what I'm up to (and YES this can look subtle, gentle and safe) is expand, take flight, become magnetic, create, unfold, spacious, breath, ME.
Your unique code is waiting inside of you. It's beyond the Stories you've picked up along the way. Beyond trying to fit in and be OK in others' eyes. It's not OUT there. I PROMISE YOU. It's IN there. It's in the things that bring you joy and safety and wellness. They are yours only and that is truly OK. To express your needs can and will be OK when YOU and only YOU give yourself permission for them to be OK. When you listen to the gut voice inside of you and give it space in your day to day to day. When you feel resonant instead of resistant, you'll know.
Your should's keep you uncomfortable in your comfort zone, your needs comfortable and growing. Your should's keep you saying yes to your boss, your dad, your brother, your husband, your coworker. Your needs let you have a voice in the decision.
It's your turn now. Open up your journal or a blank doc and list them out:
1. YOUR SHOULD'S first.
2. YOUR TRUE, HEART RESOUNDING, INNER GUIDED NEEDS second.
It's your choice now to decide how to proceed.