2016 was not easy for me. It pushed me and pulled me in every direction inside myself. It challenged me and made me continue to look with brutal honesty at myself.
So as we transition to 2017 I want to be candid and vulnerable and share with you some of the truths from my last year. I truly believe some of our darkest times can be the richest in learning opportunities. I'm always learning a lot and open to continuous growth. It's what keeps me thriving and keeps me showing up for my clients with depth and intuition.
So here goes.............(Confession: I just got a chocolate chip cookie for power to help me keep writing.)
Asking for help will make it better.
We left our community of fifteen years this year. We left our 13 acres. The round house on the hill we had built with our own hands and visions. We left our dear, dear neighbor family members (that chokes me up just writing it). We left our fertile soil whose gifts we had been eating for over a decade. It's been B I G to say the least.
Before we were leaving I needed to gather with my sisters. When our son was diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis at two weeks old, a life threatening genetic disease, I crumbled yet still had the veneer that I was OK. It took me over FOUR years to get help in my home even though I desperately needed it. I couldn't ask for help!!
But then we were leaving and I needed my sisters. I needed to know they saw my struggle and my triumph, that they had my back no matter what side of the mountains I lived on. So I asked. I asked my dear sister if she would hold a circle for me. I had to ask because if I didn't a space would be empty that needed filling. Because if I didn't, I'd have not honored my truth.
The circle was EPIC. I'm not sure I've ever felt more wealthy than the days after it. I carry it in my heart like the best investment I've ever made. I meet new friends here in this port side town and I carry the strength of my sisters and my asking with me in a kind of confidence I've never displayed before.
Lesson: Ask, ask, ask for what you need.
I have the tools it takes to calm my sensitive nerves:
I am a sensitive one! Always have been but only allowed myself to own it in the recent past. What I mean by sensitive is that I can majorly feel the energy of those around me. I'm affected by the energy at times more than I want to be. Since my son was born, my nerves have been on OVERDRIVE. My sensitivity has become almost defining at times. But this year, 2016, this was the year that I allowed myself to embrace my sensitivity. To name it. To allow it. This was the year that when my sensitive self got triggered I would tell myself that I have every tool I need to calm my sensitive nerves. And that was truly soothing and helpful. And it was entirely true. I watched as my fear of my sensitivity faded and my seeing it as my gift expanded.
Lesson: Embrace your unique qualities that might seem negative but need your tender, loving care.
Setting boundaries is liberation.
I finally figured out how to set boundaries. How to even listen to myself clearly enough to know what boundaries need setting. My kind brother was coming for a visit to see us in this new town on the sound. It was kind and it was generous of him to take this time and spend his money and prioritize us in that way.
But......I knew my sensitive nerves would not bode well with a houseguest at that time. I wanted the visit to be fun and I wanted to be my best.
So I found him a place to stay and let him know that that's what could work for us. Up until then, it had been assumed that he'd be sleeping on the office floor.
It was hard to make that phone call to him and state my true need. But I'll tell you it was MUCH easier than pretending I wasn't anxious about his coming and staying. And it was a GREAT visit. Because I had set that boundary and honored myself.
I knew what to do but in the past I likely would have been too scared to enact it because of my fear of judgements and not being "nice." I was finally nice to myself and my inner voice and it was truly an example to be repeated again and again!
Lesson: Listen in and know whatever you hear is easier to listen to than ignore.
Wherever you go there you are.
From farmer lady to town dweller, I've extended the labels I've known myself as pretty vastly this year. It's comfortable to live in our identities, wife, mama, friend, daughter, etc. but it's not who we truly are on the inside.
I've had to let a lot of that go this year and find out what values carry for me and what fears carry for me wherever I live, whatever I see out my window and whoever I spend my days with.
Shockingly, it's been easier than I thought. I feel comfortable in my own skin and received and seen. I feel powerful through my presence not my doing.
I've felt enriched.
But it remains true that I wasn't farming all those years for my ego. I was doing it from a core value place that fills a longing in my soul. I'm meant to tend and toil. I'm meant to grow beauty and health and share. And this year, I've barely gotten to and it's been hard.
And it remains true that I'm sensitive and that being alone triggers me and freedom calls to me and I need to create as often as possible. And finding my way through all of that while trying to ground and find my feet and my son's flow and my hubby's flow has challenged me.
But I've risen to the challenge. I've struggled but I'm proud of where and who I am.
Lesson: I bring me with me wherever I go. I trust my inner voice and the needs it states because it knows no matter where I am.
Thanks for reading and being on this journey with me. What challenged you but had you growing this last year?